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Eline : ‘Trusting my instincts is doing so much good for us’.

Elina’s advice to her newborn self:

 

  • Be as relaxed as you can, go with your baby versus following a routine from early on. Go with whatever works versus what a book or a blog post is telling you!
  • Trust your instincts

 

  • Keep reminding yourself that everything is a phase, that things will change. My son started biting me after he started teething and I remember thinking that this would never end. And then I looked back a few months later and it seemed like so long ago. It is so easy to forget that everything is a phase when you are stuck in the moment, but remember that things WILL change and shift. New doesn’t always mean easier, but it will be different, it will change, it is all just a phase.
  • Take all of the support you are given and don’t take family support for granted if you are lucky enough to have it. Sometimes advice given can be too much or not what you want to hear, but remember that they are giving it because they care about you and your baby. Take every bit of help you can get and appreciate it!
  • Find a community. In Australia I found my Mother’s Group a great support. In Ireland my greatest support network is online. Although I haven’t physically met any of the other mums, and they are all different backgrounds and ideologies, I really value their insights and feel I can share and get support from these other mums. I feel I know them.

Originally from Lithuania, Elina gave birth to her second child, Olivia, 5 months ago. She also has a 2 year old son, Hugo.

Before having children Elina worked a busy job as a recruitment consultant, a career and lifestyle which she loved. But she had wanted to be a mum for as long as she could remember, and although she does feel some loss of identity since becoming a mother, she wouldn’t change where she is now for the world.

Elina and her Irish husband Kevin had their first baby in Australia in 2016, and then in 2019 the family moved back to Ireland a month before their second child, Olivia, was born. As a result Elina has experience of birth and postpartum care in two countries. And having experienced the Australian system versus the Irish one, she tells me that ‘you know how much better it can be.’

 

Hands on Help

Having their first son Hugo in Australia was challenging because they had no family nearby to support them (Hugo was 23rd grandchild on her husbands side!). ‘We found that the family support you really need in those early days just wasn’t there’ she tells me. However she found the antenatal and postpartum support in Australia excellent. Lactation consultants visited her regularly, as did physios to give her help and support and assessment. She was given a lactation consultant contact for when she got out of hospital. There were also parenting classes in the hospital for her and her husband and their new baby – ‘the difference between learning the theory of breastfeeding, nappy changing or baby washing versus the reality are quite different!’ she laughs ‘and it was great to be able to go and ask questions and get specific advice and support whilst in hospital’.

 

Building Her Village

Elina’s favourite part of postpartum care in Australia was the Mothers Group that she was assigned to in the weeks after she got home from hospital. A group of five or six mums with new babies of similar ages all met together with a midwife and a public health nurse four times over the first few weeks after birth. In the first meeting they were invited to share the stories of their pregnancies and births, which she found a great help. It was an opportunity to be open and honest and share her experiences good or bad. ‘Everyone was on the same page, everyone was coming from the same place, so you could say whatever you wanted.’ You could talk about how much you hated the obstetrician, or how tired you were’. She went on to become great friends with these mums and meet up with them regularly after the ‘official’ group had finished. In Ireland she is finding it harder to find a group like this, there is no centralised system that runs groups the same way – ‘yes there are mum and baby groups but none that are so tightknit or give the mums the space to talk in the same way’.

 

Expectations versus reality

I asked Elina to tell me about what her expectations of motherhood were and how these compared to the reality – what surprised her, what did she not expect?

 

Exhaustion

Everyone tells you you will be exhausted, but what that actually feels like is another thing! It is like going out on a big night out and feeling shattered the next day, but instead of getting to rest up for the day and recover, that feeling just keeps on going for weeks on end.

Instinct

It amazed me how much you can love another human being, how much love you can feel for your children. There are times, of course, I want to give them away especially with the terrible 2’s approaching at the moment. But the instinct that has surfaced in me, how in tune and how alert I am to every rattle in the cot three doors away while my son sleeps, amazes me even now. Such a natural instinct to be so in tune with your children.

Trusting Yourself

I am much more relaxed with my second child. The first time you have no clue what you are doing, you have to just take it day by day. No course, no book, no talk can really prepare you for it. And taking it day by day is the best way to do it. The first time round I was so worried about weight gain, routines, sleeping, feeding, is everything ok? With my daughter I am much more relaxed, I know that she will do it all in her own time. I know now that in the first 8 weeks there is no point trying to get a routine going, it is just whatever works, and that is so different for every mum and for every baby with that mum. This time round, instead of getting caught up in all that information that is so readily available, I am just trusting my instincts and it is doing so much good for us. Instead of feeding Olivia at 5am sitting up beside her cot because I am afraid of SIDS, I take her to my bed and we lie beside each other and I can get a little more sleep before I have to get my son up at 6am. I trust she will be safe and I won’t roll over her now.

Overwhelming responsibility

I didn’t expect that feeling of overwhelming responsibility I got when we took our son home that first time. Sitting there in our house with our son, me and my husband felt such huge responsibility we had for this little person who trusted us so completely and needed us for everything. It took me a good few months to shake that overwhelming feeling.

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