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Genevieve : ‘As long as you are present with your baby everything will be ok’

Genevieve’s advice to her newborn self:

 

  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help – and ask for it before you feel alone. Because you are not alone.
  • Go to mums groups – everyone is in the same boat and you need that support around you.
  • Know that just when you think everything is set, scheduled, uniform, that it will change. It is never just one way and you just have to learn to let it be, follow it whichever way it goes.
  • And don’t be disappointed when things change – it is not your fault, it is just the way it goes. My son was a brilliant eater until last week – and now all he will eat is bread and potatoes! Just remember to ride it out like a wave, it will all come around.

Genevieve is mum to 17 month old Ben and lives in Galway with her partner. She also runs a busy dance school in the city.

I started by asking Genevieve to tell me about the lead up to her birth and the birth itself.

I had a doula that worked with us in the lead up to the birth – we met with her 3 or 4 times, and attended a birthing course with her as well. It was a great comfort to have someone as an advocate for me – to say here are your options, versus this is what you HAVE to do. I was able to wait a few more days before being induced because of the information she gave me, and I think my induction was more successful as a result. I really felt that having this extra information gave me both security and control in a situation that could otherwise have left me feeling quite powerless and like I had to something because the doctor in the hospital said so. The doula was also a great support to my partner – she could be his point of contact and answer all of his questions rather than me having to do that in the middle of labour! 

The birth lasted about 8 hours in the end and we were home after two days. I spent the first 2 weeks in the house – the idea of having to go out at that stage would have been mindblowing! The baby felt so fragile and I needed to spend that time adjusting to everything. It was great to have the doula at this stage as well – I could pick up the phone and ask her whether something was normal, and she helped me out when I was sore from feeding at the beginning, bringing round cabbage leaves and creams to soothe my sore nipples. It was great to have someone who could reassure me that this was normal, that it would be ok, that my boobs weren’t going to fall off!

After two weeks I started to think about what I needed to do for my own head – what was I going to do so that I didn’t feel trapped or contained. And for me getting out for a walk every day filled that need. I went down to the prom, which was flat and easy to walk, and there were lots of other mums there so that if there was a problem there would have been other people there who would have been able to help.

What was the difference between your expectations of motherhood versus the reality?

I think there was a big difference between the ideas that I had assimilated about what it was supposed to be like as a new mum – even from childhood there is a sort of fairy tale around it, and it is just not like that. There is a lot no one tells you – and because of that when something happens that you didn’t expect you are afraid you are doing something wrong, and afraid to go to groups and share this incase you look bad.

But when you do go and you do manage to talk to other mums you realise that others are all in the same boat and you hear stories of other people’s weeks or nights and realise that maybe mine wasn’t so bad.

At the beginning you feel quite isolated, in a little bubble and I definitely found that the more communication you have the easier it is. Surrounding yourself with other mommys definitely helps.

What were some of the things that you felt no one had told you before you gave birth?

Well, all of them are just little things really, but things like the fact that you will bleed for two or more weeks after you come home from hospital. That your hair might fall out and you’ll have all these new baby hairs that grow up at funny angles. That there will be days when your baby cries and there is nothing you can do to fix it and that that is completely normal. They are all things that you get used to, they are nothing big on their own, but there is generally just this worry that instinct isn’t going to kick in, you are afraid that you are going to make a mistake, but your instinct does kick in, and as long as you are present with your baby everything will be ok. All of the worry is really just wasted energy – if you focus on being there versus what could happen everything will be fine.

Were there any things that you didn’t expect about becoming a mum?

I guess it is a much lonelier time than you might expect, particularly if you are used to being a working woman, you miss having other stuff to do. I would say that it is really important to make sure that you have a bit of time just for you. Even if it is just 15 minutes to read a book, do some yoga, take a walk. Yes, you have this tiny baby who needs you to take care of it, but if you are not ok, the baby won’t be either, so it is important to take care of yourself. Download some audio books, watch Netflix while you are feeding, anything to help you feel connected and using another part of you.

We spent such an amount of money on a big cot and a good mattress for our son and it has been used as a big storage unit! He has slept with us, because that means we get 8 hours sleep. You look at buying all these fancy toys and equipment, but really all the baby needs is a wooden spoon and a pot and for you to be present. I would say if you are not comfortable being present with you self it is something to work on before you give birth. You are no use if you are not really there!

What would you do more of or do differently if you were to do it all again?

I would definitely work with a doula again, that was invaluable.

I think I would go to more mums groups – maybe two a week – because that interaction with other mums felt so important and was so helpful. Even if it is just that you bump in to  them later at the supermarket, it is nice to know there are others around you.

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